I have been pregnant with the idea of this blog for nearly as long as my son, Mattie, has been alive (just over 14 months now).   I have taken great joy in its possibility; luxuriating in the longing and dwelling in the excitement around activating my creative mind with new purpose.

But in the last few months, as I’ve come closer to this moment – the one where I actually birth this blog – I’ve gotten really uncomfortable.  I’ve gone into labor, with contractions and all.  And the closer I’ve come, the more intense the contractions have gotten.

I’ve tinkered with setting up this WordPress account, designing the theme, looking through photos for a header, writing down countless ideas for names and taglines and topics.  And I’ve also come up with countless excuses to procrastinate, most of them fear-based or coming from a place of not feeling good enough, each causing a contraction in its own right.

And at each pause point, I’ve usually decided that I’m not doing this at all.  Time and again I’ve come to the conclusion that the vulnerability and rawness of writing and being this exposed is too painful.   And so in an effort of self-preservation, I’ve walked away, soothing myself with the notion that I don’t have to do it – or anything else that feels hard or risky or scary.

But here I am – knowing in my heart that I can’t turn back, wise with the knowledge that once in labor, there’s only one way out.   I want to write and I want to share my tender, vulnerable self in this new momma state.  I don’t want the possibility of this new creation to get lodged uncomfortably somewhere deep inside; providing a constant, painful reminder of what could have been.  I want instead to be brave, to let this new creation come up and through me, accepting its imperfections – my imperfections – rather than not risk trying at all.

So with this post, I am pushing forward and punching through my fear and my image of perfection by telling myself that the purpose is not to be perfect.  The purpose is to stretch and grow by putting myself out there in the world – as I embrace and explore what is real and raw and messy in this human experience of parenting and being in relationship – and trusting that this act that benefits me may also benefit another.

That’s what this blog is about for me.

So in that spirit, I’m not going spend another second agonizing over what this first post says or how the site looks.  It is what it is — and it can grow and change over time.  Publishing now as I surrender into the great unknown about what comes after birth…

Welcome to the world, Momma Sound!