Whew, I’m back.  I made it through my big work deadline and I’m only just beginning to emerge from the long break from everything that we all needed. We took a much-needed vacation to Florida to reconnect as a family and remember the feeling of sun on our skin and dirt beneath our bare feet.   I thought I would write about it (and many other things) sooner, but I just haven’t had it in me.

My darling boy made it through my concentrated stretch of long work days beautifully (amenable to being with papa and his grandmas most of the time), but literally the day after it was over didn’t want me to leave his sight.  It’s like he knew that we’d gotten through something and he could fall apart and let all his built-up need out.  I’m grateful both that he was so adaptable during this critical time and and then also that his need could emerge fully and be met.  It’s been intense in the aftermath, as I’ve been really present to his built-up need and working to rebuild his trust, proving that I won’t leave him every time I walk out of the room.  Two months later, I think we’re finally on the other side of it and back in balance.

Balance.  Not an easy thing to achieve in any arena.  My life (our lives) feel like an undulating snake body that fills up and empties out, constricts and expands, coils tight and then slithers onward with a life and momentum all it’s own.   Too much of one thing, not enough of another…never enough. (Time, money, sleep…)  But then somehow it all turns out to be…just enough.   And like the snake, we survive.  We survive through the pain and the pleasure, and (hopefully) learn how to linger just a little longer in the moments of freedom and joy and fun, letting go of the suffering we cling to and can’t seem to live without.

(Whew.  Not sure where that last paragraph came from, but I’m trusting it’s arrival…it’s honesty…and it’s relevance to “where I’ve been”.  And moving on…)

A season of travel and exploration, it has been.  Whenever Ken and I reflect on our lives and prioritize the things we want for fulfillment, connection, happiness, (and balance?) we discuss how we can be more fluid with our physical location (jobs etc) and travel more.  So this spring we really committed to making more travel with Mattie a reality, and it’s been a great learning experience for us all.  In addition to our escape to Florida,  we just ventured on a cross-country pilgrimage to Skyline, our home away from home in northern California for my great-aunt’s 76th birthday.  It was a magical adventure (for Mattie especially) filled with throwing rocks in mountain streams, riding in the back of the pickup truck, feeding the horses and learning how to call the cows (Come, bossie!).  In addition to sweet connection with my great-aunties and my cousin, of course.  (More on this journey forthcoming, I hope.)

Maggie, Ken, and Mattie at Skyline

And while I’ve been absent from my blog, I did continue my Contemplative Writing practice, and a few weeks ago sat in the sunshine and wrote this bit below, which quite aptly describes where I’ve been in these early days of spring.

********

Spring through Mattie’s Eyes

Oh sweet sunshine, soaking into my skin, my clothes, my hair, coloring the world red behind my closed eyes. How I am tempted to lay down my pen to sit and enjoy you alone, absorb your rays into my being, feeling whatever you stir in me on this afternoon of spring awakening.  You light up the world outside and in; the longer days of light, the first yellow crocuses inspiring delight, causing the frozen states inside to melt a little, soften, as we too have the chance to be born anew.

This morning we walked, Mattie and I, noticing signs of spring everywhere.  Walking at the pace of a toddler allows for noticing and absorbing more of the world than the brisk adult “busy, busy I’m so busy” way of moving through the world.

We crouched down next to the creek in the sunshine, staying in one spot for a long time, noticing. We saw a male and female mallard pair floating lazily through the water, then stopping to bask in the sunshine; robins flitting from ground to tree and back again in search of morsels to eat, I presume; a woodpecker flying back and forth, back and forth eventually settling on the tree closest to us and pecking out it’s unique rhythm again and again (causing us both to smile); a red-winged blackbird rooted on one branch, calling over and over, seemingly announcing the arrival of spring; and a blonde squirrel perched unmoving on a stump for the longest time, seemingly contemplating in the sunshine (just as we were). I named each wild creature for Mattie and he carefully repeated each name, many of them brand new to him.

For the first time he is witnessing the grass and mud emerging from the snow, being revealed for exploring with fingers (and event tasting!), the frozen sheets of ice melting into running water, and new wild creatures moving in and filling our environment with activity and sound; all of it new and amazing and filled with possibility.

I am astounded as I fully recognize my role in this, his earliest education, and how much power I have in determining what he experiences – or not.  And I am inspired to explore how I can continue to use the natural world and play and a variety of different environments to teach my son.  While it feels almost cliché to say, I am also so grateful to have the opportunity to try to see it all through his eyes, to appreciate it with the same intensity, curiosity and admiration – as though it were my first time too.  It feels like a sacred opportunity that I dare not miss – an opportunity to appreciate and admire the world just a little more, opening to all that it awakens. Today the sun and my son melt and awaken my world, without and within.

Mattie Exploring the Trees