Coloring has become a serious business at our house as of late. It happens at the kitchen table (where there is a dedicated coloring corner with a special booster seat and a plentiful supply of crayons, colored pencils, and paper), in the tub (with special bathtub crayons), on the sidewalk and the porch (with “chalk-it”)… and sometimes on the walls, floors, and any other hard surface available… but we’re working on this. 🙂

Mattie can stay engaged in this activity for a very long time – as long as someone is willing to follow his direction and draw all of the things he gets so excited to see come to life when crayon hits the paper. This currently consists of a long list of automobiles: buses, airplanes, cars, trucks, garbage trucks, boats, and helicopters; varying only in size (little one or big one) and color (seriously, he can name them all now). Frequently I haven’t finished drawing one blue bus before he’s asking me to draw another one…or a little yellow plane or a pink helicopter…a BIG one! I’ve gotten really good at drawing the things on this list (quickly!), but he’s started to challenge my drawing skills more often now by throwing in other things we’ve seen recently; a rhino, hippo, or giraffe (we went to the zoo) or a beetle, worm, caterpillar, grasshopper, or fish (he loves to visit the creek).

He draws and conducts the creation of this imagined scene with the same fervor. While he is instructing me on what comes next he is also drawing scribbles, circles, dots, and lines; they even sometimes come together looking like automobiles. I am astounded by how quickly his drawing is evolving; it’s only been a couple of months and already there are distinct differences from when he began. This is just one more way in which I am amazed by the speed in which he is transforming before my very eyes.

So yesterday afternoon I sat at the kitchen table coloring with Mattie in this fashion for a very long time. And while I’m sitting there feeling this awe and wonder over my beautiful boy, thrilled both by his delight and being able to simply satisfy his desire to see a world filled with automobiles of all sizes and colors… I start to notice some other feelings creeping in. First, I start to wonder if he is ever going to take a nap today. It’s way past naptime and he’s showing no signs of slowing, so I start to panic at the thought that I might not get any time to myself. I need to do the dishes. And start some laundry. Pick up toys. Pay at least one bill. Start supper. Work in the garden. Call the doctor. Take a shower! Respond to at least one personal email! (I’m getting desperate now…)

Then, as my panic and frustration start to build, another layer arrives. As I’m feeling this longing to move at my own pace, I also begin to think about Ken and how he “gets to” go off to work each day, doing work that is meaningful and that he’s passionate about, while I’m stuck at home taking care of Mattie. (Of course this is meaningful work and I’m passionate about doing it, but this information doesn’t exist in the moment when I’m trapped in the story created by my powerful mind.) In the story, I’m a victim of my own life – sacrificing myself, a martyr to the cause of raising our son, and all my feelings about being thwarted and unable to move at my own pace, NEVER able to finish any task that requires more than 15 minutes of my attention or EVER getting to do anything for myself… get momentarily projected onto my dear husband. (I’m sorry, sweetie.) I know I’m really deep in when absolutes like NEVER start to creep in – this is full-on unreasonable, petulant child, stomping my foot kind of language. Fortunately, it also rings the warning bell and alerts me to the fact that I need to breathe and evaluate what’s actually going on.

So somehow in this moment I found the wherewithal to ask myself… what would I rather be doing?

Yes, there was a long list of tasks in my awareness that needed attention. But would I seriously rather be doing those things? Not really…

And while I might want to go get a massage, read a book, go for a run, go dancing, see my friends, write, and take a trip to Italy and drink wine for a week, those desires will always exist and point more toward me needing to carve out more time to tend to myself. Which I’m working on…

But in the big picture…is there some job that I’d rather be doing that would make me happier than being at home with my son, teaching him about the world and watching him develop and grow more and more into himself?

When honestly exploring that question in this moment in my life, I found that the honest answer was … nope.   This is actually what I want to be doing. In fact, this is what I get to do. I get to spend my days with my beautiful son, coloring and reading books; taking walks; throwing rocks in the creek; hunting for tadpoles, worms, and beetles; splashing in puddles; and running through tall grass with the dog.

It makes me really happy… a lot of the time. And it’s really hard … sometimes. But what job that’s worthwhile isn’t?

“Chalk-it” delight!